"where do I go from here?" I disliked Disney's Pocahontas 2, but that song has always stuck with me, and I've been singing it a lot lately. I applied for quite a few jobs for about two months, and didn't get a single interview. That frankly surprised me, as I figured "Ten years' experience" on a resume would be an ace in the hole. Now with the economic flux surrounding COVID-19, I'm not much expecting things will pick up for me. But, thankfully our tax refund this year is the biggest we've ever received and will keep us afloat for a few months. Discussing it with Kenneth, we decided that it is probably better that he pursue certifications.
I've doubted more than ever these last couple of months that I could handle another job right now anyway. Potty training is not going well, and so it feels like most of my days consist of taking the two-year-old to the bathroom, sitting down to do something, getting up to clean up the accident he had anyway, then consoling the baby who cried the whole time I attended to the accident, wondering, "now what was I doing again?" then turning around to see there's already another accident. I haven't even finished the DTP course which I promised Christie long ago. I picked it up again in February meaning to have it done by April 1. I have a first draft done, but still a lot of clean-up to do on it. I also have responsibilities with Stare of Owls, and we are being presented with opportunities (partially thanks to the lockdowns) that may make us money but ... will I have time? I really struggle to focus on anything more than ten minutes. I'd told myself I would be able to handle it by enrolling Nathanael in a Parents' Day Out when business picked up, but now who knows when those programs will open up again.
I also have to ponder a lot where the Lord is taking me spiritually in all this. I suppose what troubles me is that I've always (at least since I was a teenager) wanted to pour myself wholeheartedly into everything I did (hence the tagline of this blog), and lately I feel the need for reservation everywhere. Got to hold back on work to take care of the kids, got to put the kids aside to make progress in work. Want to fix up things around the house, but feel like I can't do that and get enough rest too. Even as we wait to go back church, whether mine or Kenneth's, the problems in the churches seem to stick out to me a lot more than any way I can help. It's a little amusing for me to hear people all around me talk about the Netflix shows they're watching to fill the time of social distancing, when I still feel overstretched. That in itself I wouldn't mind, but it's the lack of focus in the stretching that I have a hard time handling.
So, Lord, show me how to focus on You in this time, to grow as You desire, to be faithful but not foolhardy.
