Anthony told me all the way back in 2011 or so that he envisioned me someday becoming CEO of TEN3 and Christie being president. And he told me a few months ago, as we began planning the prayer meeting I mentioned in my last post, that change is one thing he is pretty sure needs to happen this year. I guess I was okay with it at the time; I didn't object anyway.
But as he started giving me memos for preparing to take leadership, I began feeling overwhelmed. Even though there really isn't that much to do for an organization with such a small core, I just didn't want to. "Are you sure about this?" I asked at one point. "Yes, unless God just really throws something unexpected at us." Well, soon after I gave him some news he didn't expect: I am having my second baby in October. I pointed out that I really won't have the time or mental availability for months after the baby comes for new responsibilities. He accepted that, but was soon suggesting that I could still be CEO if I could even give five "extremely focused" hours per week. "But I don't have focused time--I have a loosely managed schedule consisting mostly of wishful thinking!" I protested. Lately, I can barely sit for five minutes at a time to get anything done before my toddler is tugging insistently on me, sure to begin screaming if I don't give him my full attention. I used to get really focused time in when he slept, and reasonably focused time while his daddy played with him, but pregnancy has had me so tired I usually have to use those times to nap.
So instead of my usual ambitious nature, I've been longing to quit something--I feel like a hamster on a motorized wheel and no place to get off. No matter how much I try to work (whether at my jobs or domestic duties), I get little done, and no matter how much I try to rest, I never feel rested. But I really don't have anything that makes sense for me to quit. Family and church are absolute commitments. TEN3? Surely God didn't lead me to ten years of work with this team to give up now. Stare of Owls? That's my investment in hope of things getting better, for TEN3 and my family. Martial arts? Wouldn't I be even more tired and frazzled if I didn't have exercise and social time?
So I'm really hoping that all this discouragement is just the pregnancy fatigue and hormones talking. The first trimester is almost over, so maybe in a few weeks I'll have more energy and less emotional reactions. And then? I hope we see the Lord work in Zambia, showing us a clear path forward by which Christie, Collins, and Tukiko can advance the ministry in every way that is on their hearts. I hope Stare of Owls' app gets finished and quickly gains popularity, turning a profit that can bless us as workers and enable us to bless TEN3. I hope that by early 2020 I can get into a good rhythm, giving sufficient love and attention to both my children as well as regular focused time to my jobs. Please say a prayer for me, for all these hopes, because I feel very much "poured out like water" and want so much to see fruit come forth.
