Expectations yield confirmations, disappointments, and surprises.

When I was nearing college graduation, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to serve on the mission field. The needs called out to me, and I could not imagine anything better to do with my time and education than help spread the Gospel throughout the world. I also hoped to have a family. Specifically, I wanted at least four kids--provided I found a husband, of course. Somehow I had graduated Wedding Bells University with no ring, but couldn't very well ask for my money back since I didn't actually pay for college ;)

I was thrilled to join TEN3 because it was such a perfect fit with what I was good at and passionate about. I remember TEN3's communications manager asked me after my first trip to Nigeria, "So is this what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life?" and I replied, "I know I'm called. I picture myself doing this at least another ten years, but our plan is still to pass it off to African staff eventually."

The other expectation that sticks out to me is when Anthony first started talking to me about becoming curriculum department head. I expressed hesitance, or expecting it would be years in the future, and he told me that "years in the future" he wanted to make me CEO. "And see that nice picture there?" (Referring to the picture of me and Christie on the left sidebar) "That lady next to you will be president."

Now, something like a decade later, so many things did not pan out the way we planned--we didn't get 350 schools, we didn't become the largest academic publishing house in Africa, or any sort of big organization. And I'm not becoming CEO. But, so many things I hoped for did come to pass. I am married to the very best man God had for me. I have four children. (The twins, btw, were born healthy on their due date!) I did spend roughly ten years working full-time with TEN3, and we did reach thousands of people with requested education. And Christie has now become president of TEN3. I am excited to see how she will take the organization forward. Just maybe one day, when my kids are less needy, I'll be active in the organization again. For now, we thank God for the answered prayers and the surprises, and continue on day by day.

I did used to say I wanted at least four kids.

From a communications standpoint, it probably looks like I'm doing nothing for the mission anymore, and truth be told, it gets very little of my time and attention anymore. When I had one baby, I thought, "Sure, I got this. I can be a working Mom." I was still attending meetings, republishing manuals, making decisions, advising, editing, and I don't remember what else. With a toddler and a baby, it became much harder, but I was still working on some of the requested primary school material, and excited that we had an intern eager to help. He and Anthony scheduled a trip to Tanzania to deliver the material to our partner schools there. The results of the trip were positive; the teachers especially loved the preliminary work I did on adapting our chronological Bible study for children.

Then in September I found out I was pregnant, and this one was totally unplanned. I confessed feeling quite overwhelmed--besides the stuff I still wanted to do for TEN3, we had just bought a house six months earlier and I was deep in projects to get it "up to snuff"--scraping and painting the exterior, sealing cracks and drafts, gathering sheet mulch material to make the soil viable for a garden, cleaning out the shed in hopes of making it more usable--how was I supposed to get all that done with a baby? Then in late December we had our ultrasound and found out it was TWO babies. At that point I just told the team, "I won't be doing much of ANYTHING for TEN3 anymore." No administrative work for sure, I can't reliably get it done. No curriculum design or conversion projects either. I couldn't even keep the newsletter up. I said the one thing I might be able to continue doing is writing the addendum chapters to our CTO Bible course to help teachers adapt it for children. That one I can do without a particular timeline, and without having to struggle to remember where I was in the development. "That's the one thing I want you to work on, then," Anthony said.

Now at 39 weeks, I'm in the struggle of waiting--I am so tired and swollen, and was a bit anxious last week since I was sent to the hospital for a night of monitoring, and even though both babies and I were doing fine, the doctors were still advising an immediate C-section. I declined and went home Saturday. I went to the birth center early Wednesday morning with contractions 4 minutes apart and lasting 2 minutes, but they slowed down when I got there, and about 1pm stopped completely. By 4pm, despite food, two naps, pumping, walking up and downhill in a nearby park, and I don't remember what else, they still had not resumed. The midwives asked if I wanted my water broken, and I said I was kind of okay either way. I then said we might as well get it over with, but upon feeling that if anything my cervix had regressed a bit and the lower baby was higher than a few hours prior, the senior midwife suggested that breaking my water might not be enough to get it going again, in which case I would have to go to the hospital, and they're not going to hear of doing anything but a C-section. So, with both babies still sounding fine on the monitor, I went home, and now three days later, we are still waiting. I guess the only real reason to be unhappy with the wait, though, is that Kenneth began his paternity leave Wednesday. I recommended that he go ahead and switch back to nights and start work again tonight to preserve as much time as possible to help me postpartum.

*Sigh* Thy will be done!

Pray for Kagoro

My first trip to Africa, we stayed in Kagoro, Nigeria. I loved so much the lush landscape, the passionate people, the adorable kids. In my 2016 trip to Nigeria, I passed through it in a car on the way between Jos and Gombe, and was informed they had been attacked by terrorists. We passed right by the ashy remains of cars that had been burned with people inside them.

Today we got this email from Christie: Please pray for Kagoro, its under attack. Many lives were killed and houses raised down on Sunday. The terrorists came back this night to finish what they’ve started, they intend to wipe out the entire Kagoro community. We need God’s intervention in Kagoro this night.

Becoming what I preach

"How did I get this strong sense of value for sustainability and local work?" I asked my husband recently. We've been purposefully redirecting our life in various ways toward locally-sourced products and becoming more self-sufficient. I certainly wasn't raised that way. In a conversation a few months ago my mother didn't understand why I didn't want to just go to Walmart or Amazon to quickly get what I needed, instead of spending time considering where my options came from and the whole supply chain that produces them.

"Your mission work," he replied.

He's right. Serving with SIM made me more aware of the exploitation that goes on all over the world and want to do better. But even more profoundly was the fact that TEN3 has had to emphasize everywhere we work with people who want to start an education center, "You have to make it locally sustainable. We don't have money to give you. We can get you some used equipment to get you started, but no more than that. And your center will be better for it. It will be yours to direct how you want, how you feel God leading without being privy to a benefactor's priorities. You will understand how to use the hardware and software so much better when you learn to use free stuff and have to put it all together yourself." Part of our ministry's vision overview explains how dependence on foreign money broke first the Christian base of education in Africa, and then broke the whole educational system.

So it only makes sense that from years of teaching that local sustainability is the best thing financially, environmentally, spiritually, and what will foster quality and longevity, it makes sense for that to be how I want to live my life too. It also certainly helps that my husband argues for it biblically. Not to say that isn't hard. I once came to my husband nearly crying and saying, "You buy the guest bedroom sheets. I can't do it! It's just too exhausting to try to find something affordable, ethically sourced, sold through a small business ... " My lesson from that was that some of the changes have to happen in small steps.

A big step, though, will be buying a house. We've been renting since we got married, but now are ready for our own place, and are praying for the right affordable house and land where we can make a comfortable, productive home. It's a bit of a challenge since this is a seller's market right now--it seems that the houses that aren't taken quickly, there is a reason for it! But, for all the ways I've questioned whether God has for us many successes and good things we hope for, I can be confident that God does have a place for us to live, and will make it clear where that is.

Doing and giving what I can

I suppose my resignation from SIM was timely, considering how overwhelming it's been caring for a baby-turning-toddler and an older toddler. Someone who listened in on my house for an hour could tell they are both boys based on how many times I say "no, don't swing/jump off/climb on/throw that!" and comfort whichever one most recently bumped his head. I'm as busy as can be between that and all the homework we are doing to pursue buying a house (tentatively the one we have been renting), and of course the usual things breaking down. (Currently the oven does not work, my washing machine shakes violently even after hours trying to level it and $250 to replace the damper pads, and I've been cutting and screwing in replacement hardware around our ridiculously drafty doors.)

But I am still doing what I can for TEN3. I did finish that desktop publishing course I mentioned in my May post. I collect the prayer requests and praises for our weekly prayer/admin meeting. I also do the semi-annual reports of what is happening in each place we minister. It's so encouraging to hear Christie report how she is discipling her teachers with our CTO Bible study, and they are teaching it to all their students. You can listen to the teachers' testimonies about how the material has impacted them here. They are working on a project to record our material in audio form.

Collins in Zambia reports that he has been given approval to start computer clubs in public and private schools, where he will disciple students with the CTO.

Our partners in Tanzania are struggling. I have not heard anything from Bunda in a long time. Miriam in Arusha is suffering from health problems, and the two young men who were going to teach for her can no longer put in the time. She has another person who has agreed to teach, and who has a good computer background but he will have to start from the beginning with TEN3 orientation when it comes to our principles and tactics of education/discipleship.

Anthony asked me what I would like to keep doing for TEN3 in the coming years as we face yet another retirement, this time our consulting coordinator. We agreed that my primary job will be to keep records of our homeschooling curriculum, methods, resources, etc., so that the ministry can use it as they see opportunity. I will also be available to Christie as she works on curriculum with the Association of Christian Schools, to consult upon request. I am loosely keeping up with what the team is doing on worldview education. I'm not putting a whole lot of focus on it until it's decided exactly what they want to do with it, but I do want to be available to contribute.

TEN3 members have always had to sit very loose in the saddle, as things have never gone the way we planned. I'm sitting looser than ever now, but that is okay. The Lord blesses what we give, little or much, so long as we give Him our all. He does not use it the way we expected, but His ways are higher than we can imagine.

Thank you, whoever may still be reading this, for keeping with us through this journey of joys, struggles, questions, and revisions. Your faithfulness, and the faithfulness I see in the Lord through all this, reminds me of the refrain,

All the way my Savor leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide?
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate're befall me
Jesus doeth all things well.

How to know where I'm going?

*note: I wrote this probably a month ago, but (as is pretty typical lately, for reasons I'll elaborate) I got distracted and forgot to publish it. Update soon to follow.

"where do I go from here?" I disliked Disney's Pocahontas 2, but that song has always stuck with me, and I've been singing it a lot lately. I applied for quite a few jobs for about two months, and didn't get a single interview. That frankly surprised me, as I figured "Ten years' experience" on a resume would be an ace in the hole. Now with the economic flux surrounding COVID-19, I'm not much expecting things will pick up for me. But, thankfully our tax refund this year is the biggest we've ever received and will keep us afloat for a few months. Discussing it with Kenneth, we decided that it is probably better that he pursue certifications.

I've doubted more than ever these last couple of months that I could handle another job right now anyway. Potty training is not going well, and so it feels like most of my days consist of taking the two-year-old to the bathroom, sitting down to do something, getting up to clean up the accident he had anyway, then consoling the baby who cried the whole time I attended to the accident, wondering, "now what was I doing again?" then turning around to see there's already another accident. I haven't even finished the DTP course which I promised Christie long ago. I picked it up again in February meaning to have it done by April 1. I have a first draft done, but still a lot of clean-up to do on it. I also have responsibilities with Stare of Owls, and we are being presented with opportunities (partially thanks to the lockdowns) that may make us money but ... will I have time? I really struggle to focus on anything more than ten minutes. I'd told myself I would be able to handle it by enrolling Nathanael in a Parents' Day Out when business picked up, but now who knows when those programs will open up again.

I also have to ponder a lot where the Lord is taking me spiritually in all this. I suppose what troubles me is that I've always (at least since I was a teenager) wanted to pour myself wholeheartedly into everything I did (hence the tagline of this blog), and lately I feel the need for reservation everywhere. Got to hold back on work to take care of the kids, got to put the kids aside to make progress in work. Want to fix up things around the house, but feel like I can't do that and get enough rest too. Even as we wait to go back church, whether mine or Kenneth's, the problems in the churches seem to stick out to me a lot more than any way I can help. It's a little amusing for me to hear people all around me talk about the Netflix shows they're watching to fill the time of social distancing, when I still feel overstretched. That in itself I wouldn't mind, but it's the lack of focus in the stretching that I have a hard time handling.

So, Lord, show me how to focus on You in this time, to grow as You desire, to be faithful but not foolhardy.

An unexpected end

I have sent the news to my prayer and financial supporters, so I think it's safe to make it public now, giving a few more details for those who may be interested.

Last spring as we were preparing for our trip to Zambia, I had to update some paperwork for SIM. As I did, I found there was one point that I could not affirm as I used to. Though I was hopeful that a promise not to make it an issue would be sufficient, and the personnel director took months to pray about the matter, it was finally concluded that I no longer meet the qualifications for an SIM missionary.

When the possibility that this could happen was brought up in the TEN3 meeting, Anthony told the others that "Satan's trying to get JennyBeth off the team." But I told him later, I don't see how this could be the devil's work, because no one was doing anything wrong. If I had given into a sin, or if I was being dismissed out of jealousy or some other such motivation, that would make sense. But it wasn't wrong for me to pursue the questions I did and conclude the matter was not as certain as I once thought. Nor was it wrong for the personnel director to uphold the standard that was prayed and deliberated over long before I joined SIM.

I wondered if I would be depressed leaving. I did cry. I can't leave something I've loved for ten years that easily. But the comfort that I did the right thing combined with another bit of encouragement, that maybe our leaders in Nigeria, Zambia, and Tanzania are ready to take the ministry forward without me. I'm not leaving behind the material-producing powerhouse we envisioned ten years ago, but maybe I am leaving enough seeds for the Africans to do what they must.

What next? We are looking and wondering. I had already dropped down to part-time status with SIM, and my support level made it barely above minimum wage--but it's still income we can't afford to lose, so we have to find something else. If I find part-time work that I can do from home, then I suppose we will continue much as we have been, with probably more income and I'll mostly be out of TEN3. If I find full-time work that would support the whole family, Kenneth is amenable to becoming the stay-at-home parent. Though that will still have its difficulties while Luke is nursing, Kenneth is already entertaining ideas of growing a garden and getting food animals again to teach/entertain the boys. But we are also looking for better-paying jobs for him. If he could find one, then I could continue on with TEN3 as a volunteer. Or perhaps I'll find a contract position, working full time from home for a few months and giving him time to get a CISCO certification. We've even wondered if this will somehow open up an opportunity for him to go to seminary like he's always wanted.

The search in the midst of trying to finish things with the mission, and going through the "what-ifs," is sometimes exciting but also getting tiring. My prayer is simply for enough money to do all that God wants us to do, and enough time to devote to our kids, house, and whatever else we should be doing.